either i'm crabby or people are just stupid. i'm going with option b. i have just about had it with people today. i'm dealing with some pure idiots today. one chick called up wanting to have her daughter seen by someone today, which is fine, but the reason was because she was seen in the er and the dr there didn't give her any medication for her pink eye. (there are 2 different types, one viral and one bacterial.) the dr said it was the viral kind and they would just have to let it run it's course. so she calls up nurse direct and they tell her that it's probably bacterial and the daughter should be seen. now, if a dr told me something was viral, i'm pretty sure i'd believe him. what with him being a DR and all.

the full moon was last week, but i swear all the crazies are coming out this week! i've been assured by my nurses it's not just me, they've been dealing with them as well.

i had this whole plan to go christmas shopping over the weekend and ended up spending the whole weekend in bed. grr... i truely hate being sick. and now i am coughing incessently. double grr... saw the np today, she gave me an inhaler and some cough suppressent. i'm still waiting for them to work. it doen't seem to be as bad, but still coughing occasionaly. oh well. hopefully will be better by end of the week. i need to go shopping this weekend or i won't have time to go before christmas. on the plus side by being confined to the house, i was able to finish my christmas cards, so those will go out in the mail tomorrow.

i heard a song on the radio this morning talking about how the dad hoped to instill in his daughter the value of giving to those less fortunate. it was a nice song, but it got me to thinking and a memory popped into my head that i had to share.

i must have been 11 or 12 and my mom and i were taking my gram shopping. i'm not sure what time of year it was. so we're in the car waiting for traffic to clear so we can get across the street and there's this guy sitting on the corner with one of those cardboard signs saying something like need money to feed my kids or will work for food. i can't remember the specific phrase. anyway, my mom digs out $10 and tells me to go give it to him. so i get out of the car and hand it to him, and he thanks us. i get back in the car and we drive away. i'm not sure what ever happened to him, but it made me feel good to help someone else out.

i had totally forgotten about that moment until i heard that song this morning. i realize now that that's what my mom was trying to instill in me.

still have the head ickies. had a brief moment where almost thought it was the flu, but realized it wasn't. i don't have any flu symptoms. really wish the pounding in my head would stop though. gets irritating when trying to sleep.

had last meeting with my counselor today. she has "released" me. i have accomplished the goals i set for myself... well mostly. i am still working on the weight issue, but i now realize it is an attainable goal i just have to take it one step at a time. so after the holidays i will be going back on the weight watchers plan. i am not going to go to the meetings for two reasons... 1. the meetings in this area are at times that i can't attend and 2. i feel that they are a waste of time. i am basically paying them $11 a week to weigh me. i can do that at home for free. and i have all the materials since i stayed there for 6 months so i have what i need to do the program, i just need to commit to doing it.

shopping this weekend will be a little nicer as i now have 2 25% off coupons for barnes and noble... only my favouritest bookstore ever! and since that is where i am getting a couple pressies it will make it that much easier for me to buy other stuff. speaking of shopping, i finally found a new winter coat. i had to get a new one as the one i have is just a smidge too small right now. not only did i get the coat, but when i got home, my mom gave me two v. cute tops and a corduroy skirt that she had picked up for me. so now i have an excuse to go buy some tights, new shoes, and a new shirt to go with the skirt! i'd wear one of the shirts she gave me, but they are sleeveless and it is dreadedly cold outside.

edit: was going to pick sick as mood, but it showed the flower vomiting... wrong on so many levels!!!

i've finally added a photo! actually i should say i've finally figured out how to add a photo. i'm not feeling too hot today. have a bit of a head thing going on. i swear i can't go a whole month without my sinuses getting clogged up. we've been seeing quite a few sick people at the office lately as well. i'm usually not so susceptible to nasties like this. i'm denying illness though.

i've started writing my christmas cards, so those will be out by the ends of the week. (p.s. sarah, i need you addy again. i thought i put it my pda, but it's not there. thanks.)

i'm going to get my shopping done this weekend. can't wait to start. this is the first year in many that i have some actual $$ to spend on family and friends.

we got our first "official" snow fall today. it's official because it stuck to the ground. we've had flakes in the last couple weeks, but nothing stuck. i'd say we probably got 1/2 inch or so. at least where i am. the southern part of the state got more. and now the sun is shining. go figure. as the saying goes only in wisconsin. :)

i've been lurking around the holiday wishes community granting wishes. i posted a list of my own also, but i'm having so much fun granting others wishes. if you haven't been you should go check it out. it's much fun.

i was able to help a co-worker out today and she doesn't even know it! while i was at lunch, i brushed the snow off from her car. she is older and handicapped so it is hard for her. so when she went to lunch her car was all clean, no snow anywhere. i only wish i could have seen her face. she's such a lovely person.

i'm supposed to go to the comedy club tonight and i have no desire to go. i just want to go home and curl up with a cup of hot tea. i only hope the comic makes it worth the trip.

it is super cold today. course to me anything below 50 is super cold. seriously though it's only like 19 degrees outside. i am not a fan of cold weather. i'd rather it be sunny and warm all the time. then maybe i wouldn't have so many damn problems with depression. i've been feeling low the last few days again. i can't pin point what is wrong or what triggered it. i'm going to go buy some light bulbs next week that are supposed to do what the sun does, but without the harmful rays. i am going to put one in my bedside lamp and turn it on when i get up in the morning to see if it helps me wake up better.

i'm officially addicted to the sims 2. i got it a week ago and i've been up till 11:30 most nights since then playing it. right now i am building a house, i'm almost done with it, just have to finish the walls on the lower level. then i can build a sim and move them in. i need to get the pets, university, and open for business expansion packs yet.

i'm hoping for a white christmas this year. it's been awhile since we've had snow at christmas and i miss it.

so, my favorite band is up for a couple awards at the billboard awards next week. send all good vibes available towards blue october next monday dec 4. being nominated is a huge honor for them and winning would truely be a dream come true!

so, we buried my uncle today. the funeral was last night. having it split up on two days was really tough. i can't even write the words to describe how i feel. i've been kind of distant due to issues that happened years ago, but now... i don't know, i've never really been close to my cousins, but i guess i'd like to be closer to them. i really didn't expect to be so upset by this.

my uncle died on tuesday. he's been sick for along time. in and out of the hospital all summer. most recently just this past week. he went home on monday and died on tuesday. so my mom asked me to write a poem for the funeral. here's what i wrote.

When I'm dead and gone bury me in an old pine box. I don't need anything fancy, just an old pine box.

The pine tree reminds me of resurrection. It may be ever green but in the spring the new shoots stretch toward the sky in brilliant shades of yellow. These new shoots bring to mind the cross our savior died on. The next time you see the pine look to the very top and you'll see the cross. It's natures way of reminding us of Jesus' gift to us.

So grieve awhile and cry awhile, but think of me in my old pine box and know I've reached my eternal prize.

i bought a cd that i just have to promote. you may have already heard of it or may already own it. if not, i recommend you go get it. it's the new sting cd... songs from the labyrinth. it's the songs of john dowland and it is absolutely beautiful. some of the songs are just haunting. if you've ever heard owain fyfe, this is similar. it's one of those cd's where if you close your eyes you can imagine being in the 16th century and listening to john dowland sing them live. it makes me think of what the bards of that time would have sounded like had they been recorded. and the guy playing the lute did an amazing job. the recording is such that you can hear every little twinge the lute makes.

i hate working on saturdays!

i've been going to therapy for bout 2 monthes now. never thought i would need to, but here i am. seems to be helping. i am becoming myself again. or maybe i should say i am becomeing the person i want to be. monday night i was endorsed by the church for the lay pastor program. now it goes to the committee on ministry, and then to presbytery. after that i have to go through a psych eval... that should prove interesting. :) tuesday i was officially offered the drama coach position at the high school in winneconne. now i have to pick a play and then have an informational meeting. i want to do something shakespeare (big surprise) but am not sure which play would work for high school. r & j is too cliche. i was thinking maybe twelfth night. that has always been one of my favourite plays. the downside to getting this job is that i can't work with the theatre group in oshkosh. kind of a bummer too, cause they are doing much ado about nothing as a dinner theatre. i would really have liked to have worked on that with them. i guess i'll just have to wait until the next show.

still in nc. having a mostly great time. went to kitty hawk yesterday 9/19. saw the place where the wright brothers made their first flight. it was so interesting to see. being there just over 100 yrs after they were there. they used a monorail to launch the flyer and that rail is still there. it was wild to be able to walk up and tough it. there was also a medallion placed on the ground from the 100 yr anniversary. walked to the end of all 4 flights. also to the top of a nearby hill where a monument was placed at the 25 yr anniv. had surreal experience while standing at marker for first flight. standing there imaging what it must have been like at the first flight while a modern jet flew over head. just wild!! i will never forget that. i was just amazed that two bicycle shop repairmen decided that they wanted to prove that humans could fly and set out to make it happen. finally proving they were right on December 17, 1903. in the visitors center there was an exibit that showed a small piece of wood and fabric from the flyer they used. these two pieces of that original flyer were given to neil armstrong just 66 yrs later and where taken to the moon. then in 2003 at the 100 yr anniv. those same two pieces where taken back to kitty hawk. just amazing. i realize i keep using the same words, but it is hard to describe the expierence. i definately recommend going, whether you have an interest in aviation or not. it is truely something to see.

hoping to go to beaufort tomorrow to see the history there. supposedly one of the towns along the eastern coast that blackbeard spent time at. this whole area is just steeped in history. went to the place on roanoke island where the very first settlers tried to build a colony only to disappear forever. to this day no one knows what happened to them. one of the people that started the colony was walter raleigh. he went back to england to get more supplies, got caught up in the fight against the armada, and when he was able to return 3 yrs later, the people he left behind had completely disappeared. the area that the original fort stood is still there, now nothing more than a mound of dirt. unfortunatly as with all places that contain a heap of histroy the area has become a tourist trap. we are here in the off season, which i'm glad of. i hate to deal with big crowds and ignorant people.

will be traveling home on friday. i will hate to leave and be glad to leave all at the same time. i love it down here, but i miss home. someday, maybe this will be home. i would love to move here. i love the area, the land, the people. there's a line in the country that once you cross people just become so much nicer. there are still bad areas, but they are few and far between.

5 yrs ago today, some stupids people decided to blow up the twin towers in new york. ok, i get that it was a bad thing and i feel bad that all those people were killed and that their families are broken because of it, but i am sick of all the movies and documentaries about it. we all know that the events of 9/11 forever changed the world, but so have other events in history and we don't rehash those every year. why is this so different? i know i sound cold hearted, but we need to move on and learn from this. the government says we are safer than we were then, but still not safe. what the f*** does that mean?! how can we be safer, but not safe?!

in other news, i leave for north carolina on thursday. i can't wait. i need to get the hell out of wisconsin for a little while. i am sick of this state. i'm excited to to the ocean. i feel so different when i am there. it is so calming and peaceful. i could sit by the ocean all day and never tire of it. we are going to the outer banks and roanoke island. where rumor has it that if one listens carefully one can still hear echos of the old english accent. apparently because the place was secluded until the 1950's, no roads, no tourism, the accent is still evident. thankfully florence has decided to steer clear of the coast. so no hurricane to mess things up. now if i can just survive the trip down there and back.

so, i had my first therapy session last week and it went ok. we didn't get into too much. mostly just set goals for what i wanted to get out my therapy. #1 was to have better self esteem. next session is today and i find i am again nervous about going. i am afraid of what will happen. i need to talk to someone, but at the same time it is hard for me to. i'm not used to telling people how i feel and what my needs are. i listen to everyone else but don't often share myself. i guess that is about to change.

so, i had a counseling session with my pastor the other night. it went relatively well. i cried through most of the session. she referred me to a different counselor who has more experience with depression. my pastor is going to help me get my life on track again. i have hit rock bottom. i didn't think i'd ever be here again. and let me tell you it sucks toadstools! in the mean time i have an appt with the counselor next thurs. i'm approaching it with trepidation. the last counselor i went to was horrible and basically told me there was nothing wrong with me. this was after i told her i was thinking about killing myself. hopefully this one will be better. i know there is something wrong with me this time. i've almost lost faith in God. there's got to be something wrong with me for that to happen. i've never questioned that there was a God. i've never not known that He was there watching over me.

i'm going to faire this weekend on sunday. i'm not if i want to go or not, but i'm going to go anyway. i need to go somewhere where i can leave all the bad things behind and forget that there's something wrong with me. maybe it's not the happiest place on earth, but it sure is close. at least for me. i had many happy years there and it still feels like home.

why is when life seems to be going well something comes along and punches you in the stomach? i talked to my doctor abbout a month ago to switch my meds cause the ones i was one didn't seem to be working anymore. so now i'm on effexor xr. i still don't feel any better. i've started questioning my faith. i just feel so lost. i truely hate that feeling. why am i here? where do i belong? am i not seeing what i'm supposed to be doing? am i missing something? i'm like a lost sheep in a world full of wolves.

I'm sick of stupid people!! just needed to get that of my chest.

had a pretty good 4th weekend. i took off friday to go to summerfest with my cousins. got to see blue october again! sunday was my brother and sister-in-law's 25th wedding anniversary. had monday off and just vegetated it was grand. over all good weekend. fireworks were boring though. they seem to be getting worse.

work has been a pain. co-worker still treats me like a child. really iritating!

so the latest play is over. it was bittersweet as always. i'm glad it's over because i get my life back, but at the same time i wish it wasn't because it gave me something to do. I don't know when the next play will be, if there will even be a next play. I have applied to be the drama coach at the local high school. in addition to that i have almost finished my application for the lay pastor program so i will be starting that in the near future. i guess my life is transitioning again. it seems to do that about every 3-4 years.

in other news i have given up on weight watchers. it took me almost 6 months to lose 5 lbs, so i figured that wasn't the plan for me. i don't know what to do next. maybe i am not supposed to lose weight. maybe i am destined to be a large person. i don't like to think that that is what i am supposed to look like. but, i have almost resigned myself to that fact. it really rather sucks to think about.

i seem to be in a depression mood lately. i just feel like nothing is happening so matter what i do to try and change it. i desperately want to be happy, but can't seem to achieve the mood. i catch it for minutes at a time. but they are few and far between. i've become so good at acting happy, that i don't think anyone even realizes just how unhappy i am. all i want to do is sleep. i hate having to get up and go to work. i'm not living i'm mearly existing. i want to live again.